Hello World…
It’s time to pay final respects....
Ashes to Ashes…Dust to Dust.
It’s time to pay final respects....
Ashes to Ashes…Dust to Dust.
N.B: This
is more than just another write-up on a blog. I wanted to push myself to create
something about love that was truly magical in the real world (better depicted
by the video attached). We don’t always speak of the hurt that comes with this
kind of love because sometimes it drives us crazy! This is a crash course in MOVING ON from love’s
notorious tragedy. Brace yourselves…this could get technical.
The Basics…
The
human life is made up of choices: yes or no… in or out… up or down; and then there
are choices that matter: to be a hero or to be a coward… to fight or to give in…
to love or hate… to live or die.
Life
has an uncanny way of introducing twists and turns. You never quite get to
discern how things will play out, what will happen next, or who will be the
casualty of war. Understandably, as it is with every war, strategies emerge;
each unique and yet similar as the sole aim of every brilliant idea is to win. Over time, it has become common knowledge
that the game is only as good as its players. Consequently, those bold enough
to partake in the game of thrones oftentimes wear poker faces, strategize, and
dutifully master the ancient dialect that is double-cross. The basics: all is fair in love and war.
The Breakups…
Previously on www.dharpoh.blogspot.com: WORST BATTLE: What I Know vs. What I Feel
(Jeremiah’s Jar):
“For those
who still find themselves still listening to ‘Singles Top Ten countdown’,
remember EVERYONE has been there. I know that the mere knowledge of this
doesn’t help the situation but I thought it’d be good to put it out there for
your sub-conscious to pick up on. The issue however is that human beings are
HORRIBLE AT MATHEMATICS! Hello... 1+1 will never be TWO if the PLUS ONE (+1)
isn’t interested in being TWO. It’s all in the math! If it isn’t mutual, IT
WILL NEVER WORK!!! Quit counting dead-weight!”
Although
these wise words were offered during Jeremiah’s
Jar when falling in love was
discussed, and a reality check was offered to individuals who were single; it
seems that wise words easily fall through cracks. Now I might not be the
research scientist that broke the mold of all that how-to-save-a-relationship
bookstore fluff, nor am I the Darwin of Dating but I decided to spend time
discovering the gap in knowledge but also the knowledge within that gap. Findings
revealed that although Jeremiah’s Jar
focused on ‘falling in love’ and being ‘single, happy and optimistic’ (the
previous gap in knowledge); the transition from falling out of a relationship
and dealing with being single and alone (the knowledge in the gap) were not
discussed. As a result, Ashes to Dashing
will shed light on the knowledge slightly overlooked in Jeremiah’s Jar.
Sounds
like a research paper eh? GOOD!
Now
back to the breakup…
They
say bad things happen for a reason but if you have ever been a casualty of
heartbreak, you’ll know for a fact that no wise words will stop the proverbial
bleeding. Ever been hurt by someone you loved? If so, then you know what I mean
when I say that losing someone you have been with for so long brings tears that
blister the back of your eyes; you can’t seem to breathe properly; words fail
you; and your insides burn from having your heart poked, broken, and
disillusioned. The idea of losing those shared memories and future plans eats
away at your resolve until you question the very fabric of your decisions. Confidence
dies out and you become a shadow of who you truly are… who you were truly meant
to be.
In
moments like these, it feels like you’re alive on the outside but dead on the
inside because you’re barely aware that you’re breathing. You understand how
feeling at a catastrophic loss and falling to pieces stings because when you
are all choked up with tears and heartbreak, the once-best-part of your day is
all smiles and doing ok. It sucks to find out that the world is no longer as
you thought it was. You try to make it work but nothing works because the
person you are fighting for doesn’t want to be won. It is a vicious cycle of
lonely nights and hurt…pain so strong and piercing that it numbs you from head
to toe. You feel so much that you end up feeling nothing. The crack in your
heart is so loud; anyone within instinctive earshot can hear it.
Did
it make you feel alone, vulnerable, deceived, naïve, misunderstood, lost,
fallen, or dangerous around other people? Even if the breakup was mutual, did u
feel the heart-wrenching hurt when you found out that your ex was seeing
someone else…that someone else had taken your place in their life? If you can
identify with any of the feelings above, congratulations… you’ve hit a
not-often-realized point: you are part of the millions that have been through
very painful rejections and/or emotional breakups. However, the fact that your
story is not new under the sun doesn’t take any of the grief away.
Every
relationship is different. Consequently, every breakup is different. However, despite
the circumstances surrounding each breakup, grief may be the thing we all have
in common. It isn’t just death we have to grieve...its life, its loss, its
change! The five stages of grief may look different on all of us but there are
always five: DENIAL...ANGER...BARGAINING...DEPRESSION...ACCEPTANCE. According
to Elizabeth Cobbler Ross, when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic
loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial
because the loss is so unthinkable; we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry
with everyone, angry with who hurt us, angry with ourselves; and then we
bargain. We beg and we plead, offering everything we have in an effort to find
a way back to what once was. When the bargain has failed and the anger is too
hard to maintain, we fall into depression and despair; until finally we let go
and accept that we have done everything we can. We let go and move into
acceptance. Even then, accepting it doesn’t mean you forget. It only ends the
grieving cycle. Grief comes in its own time for everyone...in its own way. The really crappy thing (and possibly the
worst part of grief) is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is to feel
it when it comes and let it go when we can.
Sucks
doesn’t it? Knowing that they are happy and moving on while you are stuck in
cupid’s wasteland cutting onions and breaking wind for the children of Siberia.
The
Bitch-slap…
In
surgery, the healing process begins with a cut… an incision… the tearing of
flesh. We have to damage the healthy flesh in order to expose the unhealthy. It
feels cruel and against common sense, but it works. You risk exposure for the
sake of healing. The number one rule of surgery is LIMIT EXPOSURE. Keep your
hands clean, your incisions small, and your wounds covered. Number two rule of
surgery is when rule number one stops working; try something else; because
sometimes, you can’t limit exposure. Sometimes, the injury is so bad you have
to cut and cut big. With that said, let’s begin the surgery.
Stay Away: Put differently, stay away! However, if you
find yourself so completely damaged by the breakup that you can’t stay away,
get closure! The very worst part is disregarding the need for closure and
pretending that you are past it because the minute you think you’re past it, it
starts all over again and every time, it will take your breath away. So vent! Have
your little bitch rants but be cautious because the moment you begin to curse,
stalk, and harass the other person, there’s a problem…a HUGE one. In any
relationship, it is important to have a good rapport. But the most important
time however to have good rapport with someone is during and after a breakup!
Don’t be a bitch when venting!!! Say your mind but don’t become lousy. Cursing,
biting, and all that bullshit will satisfy you short-term, not long-term. Your pain will not subside just because you got
your 3 minutes of cursing and swearing at the person that broke up with you.
Life is not FAIR. Things happen. Be mature when you vent, cry if you have to
but let it end there. When you overdo it, you destroy your rights to plague the
person’s conscience for a longer time after you’re done finding closure! Venting will only
get you so far!
Walk Away: As long as a ring hasn’t been put on that
finger, honey you are allowed to walk away. I know it is easy to say but never
easy to do but YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE. Let’s
get one thing straight…no matter how happy the other person looks or acts; the
fact that you’re hurting makes the person hurt as well. Hell, the situation
itself calls for a world of hurt for both parties. When it was good, it was
great. Now that it’s over, don’t destroy yourself. Both parties need to
remember that it is okay to walk away; more so, it is okay to watch people walk
away. Matters of the heart are already dicey enough with all the nerve endings,
capillaries, arteries, and aortas pumping blood in and out every nano-second.
What’s love got to do with it when the wrong man/woman has everything to do with
it?
Keep Friends Away: Don’t get your girlfriends or
brothers-from-other-mothers involved. This is something between two people. The
moment your girlfriends start sending bullshit messages to the other person and
bitching, your lofty stand goes downhill. 1+1 is indeed 2 but when the +1 gets
out of the picture, it’s JUST YOU! It’s not a fucking marriage where neighbours
and family members NEED to have an intervention…it’s a relationship! People break up.
Relationships end. That doesn’t cause the world to stop spinning or life to
discontinue. The orbit doesn’t sit on its axis waiting for a miraculous clean
slate for past actions and mistakes in the hope of rekindling the affections
that were once in a relationship so why should you? What’s done is done and by
God it’s ok to move the heck on! Don’t fall for the sappy emotions fucking with
your psyche because they are fleeting and fast spent. Look to what’s to
come….the future….the opportunities available to you now. There’s so much to
explore! Don’t waste your life, time, and emotions on a relationship-gone-bad!
Walk through the crap and come out better for it on the other side! This will
only happen however, the moment you decide to move past the hurt and pain that
seems to spear through your chest at the very thought of what could have been,
tell it to fuck off, beat the venting psychodrama down and move the fuck on!
Time waits for no man! Believe it or not, no one is worth that much pain. WALK
AWAY… for the love of God… WALK AWAY!!!
There
are however some dicey situations where partner A leaves partner B to be with Partner
C. This situation, although extremely controversial, is not hopeless. I
remember when the Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt situation rocked the information
passageways. Everyone had something to say. A third of the population criticized;
some ostracized; some declared the relationship doomed; and others just loved
the play of different emotions from those who had something to say about it.
Only a hand few accepted it for what it was and moved the hell on with their
lives. Of course, in all of this, Jenifer (Brad Pitt’s ex) was viewed the
victim (and maybe she was) but I wonder….how would you truly know anything
about anything when you weren’t directly involved? What part of you could
really understand Brad-Jelina and their decisions when you haven’t lived
through their situation? Why Judge them for the choices they made when you
could never understand their reasons? What encourages you to belt out an albeit
overly righteous condemnation of them when the parties involved infer that your
disapproval is a classic case of mind over matter (they don’t mind and you
don’t matter). Who made you judge and jury over their matters when the judge
and jury over your own matters are still out? Before we go throwing gauntlets
at culprits, ask yourself, would you rather remain in a terminally ill
relationship based on physical comforts and social accreditation (resulting in emotional
and psychological crucifixion); or would you rather cut your losses and move on
to someone you can really work with, be with, think with, and be yourself with (resulting
in a possibly more fulfilling relationship)?
The
fact of the situation is you never really know. ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE. Explained
differently, you don’t CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE to feel attracted to people. Consequently,
you don’t consciously choose to STOP being attracted to those people. It
happens for reasons that might seem very illogical but it is what it is. Sometimes,
you have to be with the wrong person to appreciate the right one. Controversial
as it may seem, it is wise to remember that their lives can only be lived by
them; not you. And if you are partner B, what should you do now that the break
up has occurred?
One of the most important insights I've gotten from learning the secrets of how
to move on from a failed relationship is very interesting... I've realized that
if you don’t find a way to get over what happened and move on, your emotions
fray and it almost always spills over into all other areas of your life. It's a
very special kind of insecurity that causes a lot of problems in other areas of
one’s future decisions and relationships as well. So get over it and DATE OTHER
PEOPLE! Get out there and get on with your life. Don't get hung up, don't
obsess, and don't make it a goal to "win them back". Just move on.
This will give you the greatest chance of winning YOURSELF back...
The
Breakthrough…
I’ll
say it again just in case you didn’t hear me...the human life is made up of
choices: Live or die; hero or coward; fight or give in. The necessary things in
life are never easy to do or accomplish but you’d be glad you did in the nearest future. Trust
me…you can do it. You just gotta want it bad enough! Salvage the
present by correcting the mistakes of the past to save the future! Remember however
that healing isn’t going to come with just venting. As beneficial as it is to
vent when necessary…the most important thing is moving on. If you don’t, you
are no different from someone that fell down and kept reminding passers-by that
you fell down but you make no move to push yourself to get up. When did it
become smart to be a fool?
No
one ever said break-ups were easy. What you need to remember is that you have
to do what is right for YOU. FORGET WHAT YOU FEEL AND REMEMBER WHAT YOU
DESERVE! Strive for it. Actions scream louder than words but often times, we
let our intentions scream louder than our actions. Don’t die screaming on the
inside. Let your actions scream louder than your intentions. As hazy as it
might seem, the good in goodbye is so damn worth it. Live, laugh, love, but
don’t be a fool for love. The only
thing worse than a casualty of love’s war is a casualty who has no means of
healing. Know yourself and be prepared!
How
#Pisces deals with a breakup:
They tend to look heartbroken, but they can handle it very well by going full
throttle on an activity.
How
#Aquarius deals with a breakup:
They may not show it, but they’ll be very hurt. Their hurt may show through
their body language.
How
#Capricorns deals with a breakup:
They tend to take a long break before they start another relationship by
keeping busy with work.
How
#Sagittarius deals with a breakup:
They’ll move on fast because they’re fine with telling themselves that it shouldn’t
have been.
How
#Scorpio deals with a breakup:
They won’t show any emotion to anyone but close friends. They’ll hurt deep down
but seek revenge later.
How
#Libra deals with a breakup:
A heartbroken Libra is a very sad sight. If you are their friend, you gotta be
there for them 24/7.
How
#Virgo deal with a breakup: They’ll
analyse everything over wondering what went wrong and won’t start another
relationship anytime soon.
How
#Leo deals with a breakup:
They’ll try to erase their ex from their lives, even though they know it’s not
entirely possible.
How
#Cancer deals with a breakup:
Either they’ll cling to their ‘ex’, or they’ll want to never see them again.
How
#Gemini deals with a breakup: Usually
really quickly, but they’ll listen to lots of music and go out to mad parties
to get over it.
How
#Taurus deals with a breakup:
Usually very slow. They’ll seek comfort in a friend.
How
#Aries deals with a breakup: Easily
and quickly. They don’t have time to dwell in the past; and regret doesn’t exist
in their vocab.
From:
@ZodiacFact [Twitter] www.zodiacfacts.blogspot.com
Know
who you are and who you are dealing with! The only thing that WILL help you
heal is actually LEARNING how to deal with the break-up. I know, because I've
been there. I can CLEARLY remember how I felt inside when I had no idea how to
deal with break-up situations... and I know how different it feels now that I
do. My relationship works better, because I'm not acting AFRAID... afraid that
my partner’s going to leave, afraid of who I am without them, afraid I won't be
able to find someone else... etc. And when I'm single, I'm happy. I don't
constantly worry anymore, not knowing if I'll ever meet another person. I
personally think that taking the time to learn how to handle stressful,
painful, or unhappy situations in a calm logical manner whilst being an
optimistic realist is one of the best psychological investments you will ever
make in yourself and your life, period!
It might be THE best investment.
It might be THE best investment.
Remain
Dashing!!!
