ASHES TO DASHING: Forget what you feel; Remember what you deserve!

Hello World…
It’s time to pay final respects....
Ashes to Ashes…Dust to Dust.

N.B: This is more than just another write-up on a blog. I wanted to push myself to create something about love that was truly magical in the real world (better depicted by the video attached). We don’t always speak of the hurt that comes with this kind of love because sometimes it drives us crazy! This is a crash course in MOVING ON from love’s notorious tragedy. Brace yourselves…this could get technical.

The Basics…

The human life is made up of choices: yes or no… in or out… up or down; and then there are choices that matter: to be a hero or to be a coward… to fight or to give in… to love or hate… to live or die.

Life has an uncanny way of introducing twists and turns. You never quite get to discern how things will play out, what will happen next, or who will be the casualty of war. Understandably, as it is with every war, strategies emerge; each unique and yet similar as the sole aim of every brilliant idea is to win.  Over time, it has become common knowledge that the game is only as good as its players. Consequently, those bold enough to partake in the game of thrones oftentimes wear poker faces, strategize, and dutifully master the ancient dialect that is double-cross. The basics: all is fair in love and war.

The Breakups…

Previously on www.dharpoh.blogspot.com: WORST BATTLE: What I Know vs. What I Feel (Jeremiah’s Jar):  

“For those who still find themselves still listening to ‘Singles Top Ten countdown’, remember EVERYONE has been there. I know that the mere knowledge of this doesn’t help the situation but I thought it’d be good to put it out there for your sub-conscious to pick up on. The issue however is that human beings are HORRIBLE AT MATHEMATICS! Hello... 1+1 will never be TWO if the PLUS ONE (+1) isn’t interested in being TWO. It’s all in the math! If it isn’t mutual, IT WILL NEVER WORK!!! Quit counting dead-weight!”

Although these wise words were offered during Jeremiah’s Jar when falling in love was discussed, and a reality check was offered to individuals who were single; it seems that wise words easily fall through cracks. Now I might not be the research scientist that broke the mold of all that how-to-save-a-relationship bookstore fluff, nor am I the Darwin of Dating but I decided to spend time discovering the gap in knowledge but also the knowledge within that gap. Findings revealed that although Jeremiah’s Jar focused on ‘falling in love’ and being ‘single, happy and optimistic’ (the previous gap in knowledge); the transition from falling out of a relationship and dealing with being single and alone (the knowledge in the gap) were not discussed. As a result, Ashes to Dashing will shed light on the knowledge slightly overlooked in Jeremiah’s Jar.

Sounds like a research paper eh? GOOD!

Now back to the breakup…

They say bad things happen for a reason but if you have ever been a casualty of heartbreak, you’ll know for a fact that no wise words will stop the proverbial bleeding. Ever been hurt by someone you loved? If so, then you know what I mean when I say that losing someone you have been with for so long brings tears that blister the back of your eyes; you can’t seem to breathe properly; words fail you; and your insides burn from having your heart poked, broken, and disillusioned. The idea of losing those shared memories and future plans eats away at your resolve until you question the very fabric of your decisions. Confidence dies out and you become a shadow of who you truly are… who you were truly meant to be.

In moments like these, it feels like you’re alive on the outside but dead on the inside because you’re barely aware that you’re breathing. You understand how feeling at a catastrophic loss and falling to pieces stings because when you are all choked up with tears and heartbreak, the once-best-part of your day is all smiles and doing ok. It sucks to find out that the world is no longer as you thought it was. You try to make it work but nothing works because the person you are fighting for doesn’t want to be won. It is a vicious cycle of lonely nights and hurt…pain so strong and piercing that it numbs you from head to toe. You feel so much that you end up feeling nothing. The crack in your heart is so loud; anyone within instinctive earshot can hear it.

Did it make you feel alone, vulnerable, deceived, naïve, misunderstood, lost, fallen, or dangerous around other people? Even if the breakup was mutual, did u feel the heart-wrenching hurt when you found out that your ex was seeing someone else…that someone else had taken your place in their life? If you can identify with any of the feelings above, congratulations… you’ve hit a not-often-realized point: you are part of the millions that have been through very painful rejections and/or emotional breakups. However, the fact that your story is not new under the sun doesn’t take any of the grief away.

Every relationship is different. Consequently, every breakup is different. However, despite the circumstances surrounding each breakup, grief may be the thing we all have in common. It isn’t just death we have to grieve...its life, its loss, its change! The five stages of grief may look different on all of us but there are always five: DENIAL...ANGER...BARGAINING...DEPRESSION...ACCEPTANCE. According to Elizabeth Cobbler Ross, when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable; we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with who hurt us, angry with ourselves; and then we bargain. We beg and we plead, offering everything we have in an effort to find a way back to what once was. When the bargain has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression and despair; until finally we let go and accept that we have done everything we can. We let go and move into acceptance. Even then, accepting it doesn’t mean you forget. It only ends the grieving cycle. Grief comes in its own time for everyone...in its own way.  The really crappy thing (and possibly the worst part of grief) is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is to feel it when it comes and let it go when we can.

Sucks doesn’t it? Knowing that they are happy and moving on while you are stuck in cupid’s wasteland cutting onions and breaking wind for the children of Siberia.

The Bitch-slap…

In surgery, the healing process begins with a cut… an incision… the tearing of flesh. We have to damage the healthy flesh in order to expose the unhealthy. It feels cruel and against common sense, but it works. You risk exposure for the sake of healing. The number one rule of surgery is LIMIT EXPOSURE. Keep your hands clean, your incisions small, and your wounds covered. Number two rule of surgery is when rule number one stops working; try something else; because sometimes, you can’t limit exposure. Sometimes, the injury is so bad you have to cut and cut big. With that said, let’s begin the surgery.

Stay Away: Put differently, stay away! However, if you find yourself so completely damaged by the breakup that you can’t stay away, get closure! The very worst part is disregarding the need for closure and pretending that you are past it because the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again and every time, it will take your breath away. So vent! Have your little bitch rants but be cautious because the moment you begin to curse, stalk, and harass the other person, there’s a problem…a HUGE one. In any relationship, it is important to have a good rapport. But the most important time however to have good rapport with someone is during and after a breakup! Don’t be a bitch when venting!!! Say your mind but don’t become lousy. Cursing, biting, and all that bullshit will satisfy you short-term, not long-term.  Your pain will not subside just because you got your 3 minutes of cursing and swearing at the person that broke up with you. Life is not FAIR. Things happen. Be mature when you vent, cry if you have to but let it end there. When you overdo it, you destroy your rights to plague the person’s conscience for a longer time after you’re done finding closure! Venting will only get you so far!

Walk Away: As long as a ring hasn’t been put on that finger, honey you are allowed to walk away. I know it is easy to say but never easy to do but YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE.  Let’s get one thing straight…no matter how happy the other person looks or acts; the fact that you’re hurting makes the person hurt as well. Hell, the situation itself calls for a world of hurt for both parties. When it was good, it was great. Now that it’s over, don’t destroy yourself. Both parties need to remember that it is okay to walk away; more so, it is okay to watch people walk away. Matters of the heart are already dicey enough with all the nerve endings, capillaries, arteries, and aortas pumping blood in and out every nano-second. What’s love got to do with it when the wrong man/woman has everything to do with it?

Keep Friends Away: Don’t get your girlfriends or brothers-from-other-mothers involved. This is something between two people. The moment your girlfriends start sending bullshit messages to the other person and bitching, your lofty stand goes downhill. 1+1 is indeed 2 but when the +1 gets out of the picture, it’s JUST YOU! It’s not a fucking marriage where neighbours and family members NEED to have an intervention…it’s a relationship! People break up. Relationships end. That doesn’t cause the world to stop spinning or life to discontinue. The orbit doesn’t sit on its axis waiting for a miraculous clean slate for past actions and mistakes in the hope of rekindling the affections that were once in a relationship so why should you? What’s done is done and by God it’s ok to move the heck on! Don’t fall for the sappy emotions fucking with your psyche because they are fleeting and fast spent. Look to what’s to come….the future….the opportunities available to you now. There’s so much to explore! Don’t waste your life, time, and emotions on a relationship-gone-bad! Walk through the crap and come out better for it on the other side! This will only happen however, the moment you decide to move past the hurt and pain that seems to spear through your chest at the very thought of what could have been, tell it to fuck off, beat the venting psychodrama down and move the fuck on! Time waits for no man! Believe it or not, no one is worth that much pain. WALK AWAY… for the love of God… WALK AWAY!!!

There are however some dicey situations where partner A leaves partner B to be with Partner C. This situation, although extremely controversial, is not hopeless. I remember when the Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt situation rocked the information passageways. Everyone had something to say. A third of the population criticized; some ostracized; some declared the relationship doomed; and others just loved the play of different emotions from those who had something to say about it. Only a hand few accepted it for what it was and moved the hell on with their lives. Of course, in all of this, Jenifer (Brad Pitt’s ex) was viewed the victim (and maybe she was) but I wonder….how would you truly know anything about anything when you weren’t directly involved? What part of you could really understand Brad-Jelina and their decisions when you haven’t lived through their situation? Why Judge them for the choices they made when you could never understand their reasons? What encourages you to belt out an albeit overly righteous condemnation of them when the parties involved infer that your disapproval is a classic case of mind over matter (they don’t mind and you don’t matter). Who made you judge and jury over their matters when the judge and jury over your own matters are still out? Before we go throwing gauntlets at culprits, ask yourself, would you rather remain in a terminally ill relationship based on physical comforts and social accreditation (resulting in emotional and psychological crucifixion); or would you rather cut your losses and move on to someone you can really work with, be with, think with, and be yourself with (resulting in a possibly more fulfilling relationship)?

The fact of the situation is you never really know. ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE. Explained differently, you don’t CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE to feel attracted to people. Consequently, you don’t consciously choose to STOP being attracted to those people. It happens for reasons that might seem very illogical but it is what it is. Sometimes, you have to be with the wrong person to appreciate the right one. Controversial as it may seem, it is wise to remember that their lives can only be lived by them; not you. And if you are partner B, what should you do now that the break up has occurred?

One of the most important insights I've gotten from learning the secrets of how to move on from a failed relationship is very interesting... I've realized that if you don’t find a way to get over what happened and move on, your emotions fray and it almost always spills over into all other areas of your life. It's a very special kind of insecurity that causes a lot of problems in other areas of one’s future decisions and relationships as well. So get over it and DATE OTHER PEOPLE! Get out there and get on with your life. Don't get hung up, don't obsess, and don't make it a goal to "win them back". Just move on. This will give you the greatest chance of winning YOURSELF back...

The Breakthrough…

I’ll say it again just in case you didn’t hear me...the human life is made up of choices: Live or die; hero or coward; fight or give in. The necessary things in life are never easy to do or accomplish but you’d be glad you did in the nearest future. Trust me…you can do it. You just gotta want it bad enough! Salvage the present by correcting the mistakes of the past to save the future! Remember however that healing isn’t going to come with just venting. As beneficial as it is to vent when necessary…the most important thing is moving on. If you don’t, you are no different from someone that fell down and kept reminding passers-by that you fell down but you make no move to push yourself to get up. When did it become smart to be a fool?

No one ever said break-ups were easy. What you need to remember is that you have to do what is right for YOU. FORGET WHAT YOU FEEL AND REMEMBER WHAT YOU DESERVE! Strive for it. Actions scream louder than words but often times, we let our intentions scream louder than our actions. Don’t die screaming on the inside. Let your actions scream louder than your intentions. As hazy as it might seem, the good in goodbye is so damn worth it. Live, laugh, love, but don’t be a fool for love. The only thing worse than a casualty of love’s war is a casualty who has no means of healing. Know yourself and be prepared!

How #Pisces deals with a breakup: They tend to look heartbroken, but they can handle it very well by going full throttle on an activity.

How #Aquarius deals with a breakup: They may not show it, but they’ll be very hurt. Their hurt may show through their body language.

How #Capricorns deals with a breakup: They tend to take a long break before they start another relationship by keeping busy with work.

How #Sagittarius deals with a breakup: They’ll move on fast because they’re fine with telling themselves that it shouldn’t have been.

How #Scorpio deals with a breakup: They won’t show any emotion to anyone but close friends. They’ll hurt deep down but seek revenge later.

How #Libra deals with a breakup: A heartbroken Libra is a very sad sight. If you are their friend, you gotta be there for them 24/7.

How #Virgo deal with a breakup: They’ll analyse everything over wondering what went wrong and won’t start another relationship anytime soon.

How #Leo deals with a breakup: They’ll try to erase their ex from their lives, even though they know it’s not entirely possible.

How #Cancer deals with a breakup: Either they’ll cling to their ‘ex’, or they’ll want to never see them again.

How #Gemini deals with a breakup: Usually really quickly, but they’ll listen to lots of music and go out to mad parties to get over it.

How #Taurus deals with a breakup: Usually very slow. They’ll seek comfort in a friend.

How #Aries deals with a breakup: Easily and quickly. They don’t have time to dwell in the past; and regret doesn’t exist in their vocab.

From: @ZodiacFact [Twitter] www.zodiacfacts.blogspot.com

Know who you are and who you are dealing with! The only thing that WILL help you heal is actually LEARNING how to deal with the break-up. I know, because I've been there. I can CLEARLY remember how I felt inside when I had no idea how to deal with break-up situations... and I know how different it feels now that I do. My relationship works better, because I'm not acting AFRAID... afraid that my partner’s going to leave, afraid of who I am without them, afraid I won't be able to find someone else... etc. And when I'm single, I'm happy. I don't constantly worry anymore, not knowing if I'll ever meet another person. I personally think that taking the time to learn how to handle stressful, painful, or unhappy situations in a calm logical manner whilst being an optimistic realist is one of the best psychological investments you will ever make in yourself and your life, period!
It might be THE best investment.

Remain Dashing!!!