ASHES TO DASHING: Forget what you feel; Remember what you deserve!

Hello World…
It’s time to pay final respects....
Ashes to Ashes…Dust to Dust.

N.B: This is more than just another write-up on a blog. I wanted to push myself to create something about love that was truly magical in the real world (better depicted by the video attached). We don’t always speak of the hurt that comes with this kind of love because sometimes it drives us crazy! This is a crash course in MOVING ON from love’s notorious tragedy. Brace yourselves…this could get technical.

The Basics…

The human life is made up of choices: yes or no… in or out… up or down; and then there are choices that matter: to be a hero or to be a coward… to fight or to give in… to love or hate… to live or die.

Life has an uncanny way of introducing twists and turns. You never quite get to discern how things will play out, what will happen next, or who will be the casualty of war. Understandably, as it is with every war, strategies emerge; each unique and yet similar as the sole aim of every brilliant idea is to win.  Over time, it has become common knowledge that the game is only as good as its players. Consequently, those bold enough to partake in the game of thrones oftentimes wear poker faces, strategize, and dutifully master the ancient dialect that is double-cross. The basics: all is fair in love and war.

The Breakups…

Previously on www.dharpoh.blogspot.com: WORST BATTLE: What I Know vs. What I Feel (Jeremiah’s Jar):  

“For those who still find themselves still listening to ‘Singles Top Ten countdown’, remember EVERYONE has been there. I know that the mere knowledge of this doesn’t help the situation but I thought it’d be good to put it out there for your sub-conscious to pick up on. The issue however is that human beings are HORRIBLE AT MATHEMATICS! Hello... 1+1 will never be TWO if the PLUS ONE (+1) isn’t interested in being TWO. It’s all in the math! If it isn’t mutual, IT WILL NEVER WORK!!! Quit counting dead-weight!”

Although these wise words were offered during Jeremiah’s Jar when falling in love was discussed, and a reality check was offered to individuals who were single; it seems that wise words easily fall through cracks. Now I might not be the research scientist that broke the mold of all that how-to-save-a-relationship bookstore fluff, nor am I the Darwin of Dating but I decided to spend time discovering the gap in knowledge but also the knowledge within that gap. Findings revealed that although Jeremiah’s Jar focused on ‘falling in love’ and being ‘single, happy and optimistic’ (the previous gap in knowledge); the transition from falling out of a relationship and dealing with being single and alone (the knowledge in the gap) were not discussed. As a result, Ashes to Dashing will shed light on the knowledge slightly overlooked in Jeremiah’s Jar.

Sounds like a research paper eh? GOOD!

Now back to the breakup…

They say bad things happen for a reason but if you have ever been a casualty of heartbreak, you’ll know for a fact that no wise words will stop the proverbial bleeding. Ever been hurt by someone you loved? If so, then you know what I mean when I say that losing someone you have been with for so long brings tears that blister the back of your eyes; you can’t seem to breathe properly; words fail you; and your insides burn from having your heart poked, broken, and disillusioned. The idea of losing those shared memories and future plans eats away at your resolve until you question the very fabric of your decisions. Confidence dies out and you become a shadow of who you truly are… who you were truly meant to be.

In moments like these, it feels like you’re alive on the outside but dead on the inside because you’re barely aware that you’re breathing. You understand how feeling at a catastrophic loss and falling to pieces stings because when you are all choked up with tears and heartbreak, the once-best-part of your day is all smiles and doing ok. It sucks to find out that the world is no longer as you thought it was. You try to make it work but nothing works because the person you are fighting for doesn’t want to be won. It is a vicious cycle of lonely nights and hurt…pain so strong and piercing that it numbs you from head to toe. You feel so much that you end up feeling nothing. The crack in your heart is so loud; anyone within instinctive earshot can hear it.

Did it make you feel alone, vulnerable, deceived, naïve, misunderstood, lost, fallen, or dangerous around other people? Even if the breakup was mutual, did u feel the heart-wrenching hurt when you found out that your ex was seeing someone else…that someone else had taken your place in their life? If you can identify with any of the feelings above, congratulations… you’ve hit a not-often-realized point: you are part of the millions that have been through very painful rejections and/or emotional breakups. However, the fact that your story is not new under the sun doesn’t take any of the grief away.

Every relationship is different. Consequently, every breakup is different. However, despite the circumstances surrounding each breakup, grief may be the thing we all have in common. It isn’t just death we have to grieve...its life, its loss, its change! The five stages of grief may look different on all of us but there are always five: DENIAL...ANGER...BARGAINING...DEPRESSION...ACCEPTANCE. According to Elizabeth Cobbler Ross, when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable; we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with who hurt us, angry with ourselves; and then we bargain. We beg and we plead, offering everything we have in an effort to find a way back to what once was. When the bargain has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression and despair; until finally we let go and accept that we have done everything we can. We let go and move into acceptance. Even then, accepting it doesn’t mean you forget. It only ends the grieving cycle. Grief comes in its own time for everyone...in its own way.  The really crappy thing (and possibly the worst part of grief) is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is to feel it when it comes and let it go when we can.

Sucks doesn’t it? Knowing that they are happy and moving on while you are stuck in cupid’s wasteland cutting onions and breaking wind for the children of Siberia.

The Bitch-slap…

In surgery, the healing process begins with a cut… an incision… the tearing of flesh. We have to damage the healthy flesh in order to expose the unhealthy. It feels cruel and against common sense, but it works. You risk exposure for the sake of healing. The number one rule of surgery is LIMIT EXPOSURE. Keep your hands clean, your incisions small, and your wounds covered. Number two rule of surgery is when rule number one stops working; try something else; because sometimes, you can’t limit exposure. Sometimes, the injury is so bad you have to cut and cut big. With that said, let’s begin the surgery.

Stay Away: Put differently, stay away! However, if you find yourself so completely damaged by the breakup that you can’t stay away, get closure! The very worst part is disregarding the need for closure and pretending that you are past it because the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again and every time, it will take your breath away. So vent! Have your little bitch rants but be cautious because the moment you begin to curse, stalk, and harass the other person, there’s a problem…a HUGE one. In any relationship, it is important to have a good rapport. But the most important time however to have good rapport with someone is during and after a breakup! Don’t be a bitch when venting!!! Say your mind but don’t become lousy. Cursing, biting, and all that bullshit will satisfy you short-term, not long-term.  Your pain will not subside just because you got your 3 minutes of cursing and swearing at the person that broke up with you. Life is not FAIR. Things happen. Be mature when you vent, cry if you have to but let it end there. When you overdo it, you destroy your rights to plague the person’s conscience for a longer time after you’re done finding closure! Venting will only get you so far!

Walk Away: As long as a ring hasn’t been put on that finger, honey you are allowed to walk away. I know it is easy to say but never easy to do but YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE.  Let’s get one thing straight…no matter how happy the other person looks or acts; the fact that you’re hurting makes the person hurt as well. Hell, the situation itself calls for a world of hurt for both parties. When it was good, it was great. Now that it’s over, don’t destroy yourself. Both parties need to remember that it is okay to walk away; more so, it is okay to watch people walk away. Matters of the heart are already dicey enough with all the nerve endings, capillaries, arteries, and aortas pumping blood in and out every nano-second. What’s love got to do with it when the wrong man/woman has everything to do with it?

Keep Friends Away: Don’t get your girlfriends or brothers-from-other-mothers involved. This is something between two people. The moment your girlfriends start sending bullshit messages to the other person and bitching, your lofty stand goes downhill. 1+1 is indeed 2 but when the +1 gets out of the picture, it’s JUST YOU! It’s not a fucking marriage where neighbours and family members NEED to have an intervention…it’s a relationship! People break up. Relationships end. That doesn’t cause the world to stop spinning or life to discontinue. The orbit doesn’t sit on its axis waiting for a miraculous clean slate for past actions and mistakes in the hope of rekindling the affections that were once in a relationship so why should you? What’s done is done and by God it’s ok to move the heck on! Don’t fall for the sappy emotions fucking with your psyche because they are fleeting and fast spent. Look to what’s to come….the future….the opportunities available to you now. There’s so much to explore! Don’t waste your life, time, and emotions on a relationship-gone-bad! Walk through the crap and come out better for it on the other side! This will only happen however, the moment you decide to move past the hurt and pain that seems to spear through your chest at the very thought of what could have been, tell it to fuck off, beat the venting psychodrama down and move the fuck on! Time waits for no man! Believe it or not, no one is worth that much pain. WALK AWAY… for the love of God… WALK AWAY!!!

There are however some dicey situations where partner A leaves partner B to be with Partner C. This situation, although extremely controversial, is not hopeless. I remember when the Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt situation rocked the information passageways. Everyone had something to say. A third of the population criticized; some ostracized; some declared the relationship doomed; and others just loved the play of different emotions from those who had something to say about it. Only a hand few accepted it for what it was and moved the hell on with their lives. Of course, in all of this, Jenifer (Brad Pitt’s ex) was viewed the victim (and maybe she was) but I wonder….how would you truly know anything about anything when you weren’t directly involved? What part of you could really understand Brad-Jelina and their decisions when you haven’t lived through their situation? Why Judge them for the choices they made when you could never understand their reasons? What encourages you to belt out an albeit overly righteous condemnation of them when the parties involved infer that your disapproval is a classic case of mind over matter (they don’t mind and you don’t matter). Who made you judge and jury over their matters when the judge and jury over your own matters are still out? Before we go throwing gauntlets at culprits, ask yourself, would you rather remain in a terminally ill relationship based on physical comforts and social accreditation (resulting in emotional and psychological crucifixion); or would you rather cut your losses and move on to someone you can really work with, be with, think with, and be yourself with (resulting in a possibly more fulfilling relationship)?

The fact of the situation is you never really know. ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE. Explained differently, you don’t CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE to feel attracted to people. Consequently, you don’t consciously choose to STOP being attracted to those people. It happens for reasons that might seem very illogical but it is what it is. Sometimes, you have to be with the wrong person to appreciate the right one. Controversial as it may seem, it is wise to remember that their lives can only be lived by them; not you. And if you are partner B, what should you do now that the break up has occurred?

One of the most important insights I've gotten from learning the secrets of how to move on from a failed relationship is very interesting... I've realized that if you don’t find a way to get over what happened and move on, your emotions fray and it almost always spills over into all other areas of your life. It's a very special kind of insecurity that causes a lot of problems in other areas of one’s future decisions and relationships as well. So get over it and DATE OTHER PEOPLE! Get out there and get on with your life. Don't get hung up, don't obsess, and don't make it a goal to "win them back". Just move on. This will give you the greatest chance of winning YOURSELF back...

The Breakthrough…

I’ll say it again just in case you didn’t hear me...the human life is made up of choices: Live or die; hero or coward; fight or give in. The necessary things in life are never easy to do or accomplish but you’d be glad you did in the nearest future. Trust me…you can do it. You just gotta want it bad enough! Salvage the present by correcting the mistakes of the past to save the future! Remember however that healing isn’t going to come with just venting. As beneficial as it is to vent when necessary…the most important thing is moving on. If you don’t, you are no different from someone that fell down and kept reminding passers-by that you fell down but you make no move to push yourself to get up. When did it become smart to be a fool?

No one ever said break-ups were easy. What you need to remember is that you have to do what is right for YOU. FORGET WHAT YOU FEEL AND REMEMBER WHAT YOU DESERVE! Strive for it. Actions scream louder than words but often times, we let our intentions scream louder than our actions. Don’t die screaming on the inside. Let your actions scream louder than your intentions. As hazy as it might seem, the good in goodbye is so damn worth it. Live, laugh, love, but don’t be a fool for love. The only thing worse than a casualty of love’s war is a casualty who has no means of healing. Know yourself and be prepared!

How #Pisces deals with a breakup: They tend to look heartbroken, but they can handle it very well by going full throttle on an activity.

How #Aquarius deals with a breakup: They may not show it, but they’ll be very hurt. Their hurt may show through their body language.

How #Capricorns deals with a breakup: They tend to take a long break before they start another relationship by keeping busy with work.

How #Sagittarius deals with a breakup: They’ll move on fast because they’re fine with telling themselves that it shouldn’t have been.

How #Scorpio deals with a breakup: They won’t show any emotion to anyone but close friends. They’ll hurt deep down but seek revenge later.

How #Libra deals with a breakup: A heartbroken Libra is a very sad sight. If you are their friend, you gotta be there for them 24/7.

How #Virgo deal with a breakup: They’ll analyse everything over wondering what went wrong and won’t start another relationship anytime soon.

How #Leo deals with a breakup: They’ll try to erase their ex from their lives, even though they know it’s not entirely possible.

How #Cancer deals with a breakup: Either they’ll cling to their ‘ex’, or they’ll want to never see them again.

How #Gemini deals with a breakup: Usually really quickly, but they’ll listen to lots of music and go out to mad parties to get over it.

How #Taurus deals with a breakup: Usually very slow. They’ll seek comfort in a friend.

How #Aries deals with a breakup: Easily and quickly. They don’t have time to dwell in the past; and regret doesn’t exist in their vocab.

From: @ZodiacFact [Twitter] www.zodiacfacts.blogspot.com

Know who you are and who you are dealing with! The only thing that WILL help you heal is actually LEARNING how to deal with the break-up. I know, because I've been there. I can CLEARLY remember how I felt inside when I had no idea how to deal with break-up situations... and I know how different it feels now that I do. My relationship works better, because I'm not acting AFRAID... afraid that my partner’s going to leave, afraid of who I am without them, afraid I won't be able to find someone else... etc. And when I'm single, I'm happy. I don't constantly worry anymore, not knowing if I'll ever meet another person. I personally think that taking the time to learn how to handle stressful, painful, or unhappy situations in a calm logical manner whilst being an optimistic realist is one of the best psychological investments you will ever make in yourself and your life, period!
It might be THE best investment.

Remain Dashing!!!

The 24-hour Fairy-tale: ST VALENTINE’S CHRONICLES!

ST VALENTINE’S CHRONICLES:  Beauty, the Beast, and the enchanted mirror

FEBRUARY’S BIG 14^TH: Fairy-tale chronicles…

Memoirs of a Quaint beast

Once upon a time within Cupid’s mist

Beauty reminiscent fled from a beast

Devoid of castles in lands far away

This mysterious maiden made her way

Spinning around the crowd till she found him

The prince with the crown in her last dream

Behold the memoirs of a quaint beast

How love found beauty and the beast

As tempted as I am to write something mean-spirited and condescending about the 14^th of February, I realize that the world shifts on its axis for this annual festivity. As a result, I’ll avoid eviscerating and/or disembowelling the mood and live in the fantasy for a day...sure beats some of life’s bullshit reality hands down.

February the 14^th… the one day in every year it’s socially acceptable to relive fairy tales. It’s when men feel like teenage boys again and when ladies become princesses. Popular for its effective seduction power, valentine’s exotic fragrance ensures an outbreak of alluring caresses, chocolate kisses, touching faces, invading spaces, speaking with bodies in hypnotic languages never to be forgotten. They say Rome wasn’t built in a day and yet, what a difference a day makes.

It’s said that we are all strapped to fortune’s wheel. Nowhere is this truer than the ever changing landscape of love. As one couple enjoys an up-swing, another is plunged downwards. But top or bottom… don’t get too comfortable because it’s a vicious cycle, fortune’s wheel. The one thing you can rely on is that the ‘big wheel’ will keep on turning. While most people think it’s our brains that controls our actions, Its often our hearts that get the biggest workouts, it can make us do the craziest of things but it can also make us take a chance on new adventures because when we open our hearts, we can explore a world of love and be pleasantly surprised by the people in our lives.

Love can definitely give you the sweetest taste of sin but isn’t that what makes it so beautiful? If the fairy-tale you read early on in this write-up is anything to go by, there’s no escaping the love you feel. Quit looking at the person and spend more time looking at the personality. 

Ladies... it’s so easy to notice the beast within and take that to be all of the man but if you take a look at your beast through your fairy tale’s one and only enchanted mirror you so fondly call your heart, you’ll find your prince within your beast. 

Men…Love’s not perfect. Women will forever fuss with over how they see the world through their heart’s enchanted mirror and as such, expect their happy-ever fairy tale, if only for a day. The style of her hair, the funny little way her nose wrinkles when she laughs, the way she stands in front of the mirror self-obsessed one minute and humble the next, the way her smell lingers long after she’s gone, the way she smiles, the way she sighs when you both kiss, even the way she feeds your sultry devil with her innocence (or lack thereof – evil smile-) as you possess her with your strength and love her with your passion, ravaging her emotions and destroying her control ... they’re all part of the things to be noticed if you get off your macho horse and you are up for it. Be proud of both the good and the bad that comes from your princess looking at life through that enchanted mirror…it’s her heart’s continued portrayal of you as her prince despite the beast that’s within that’s the heartbeat of your relationship. Admit it, she’s hell on wheels and you love the flash-fire torments she awakens from deep within your otherwise restrained self. 

If anything, use Valentine’s Day to walk a mile in your partner’s shoes. As cliché as it is, you can never really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. As first it might not seem like the most natural fit but walk around in those shoes long enough and you’ll discover that you just might realize how lucky you are…and even better, you just might like being the one offering the pampering.

And for those eager to spend next valentine’s microwaving their psychological tragedy, have fun burning at the millionth degree. The 14^th can be a day to show affection to someone else, candy-coat the fact that you are alone, or re-open old wounds. Come what may, never forget that the third option is self-massacre…and I’ve got your fairy tale bagged and ready to go:

Once upon a time within Cupid’s mist

Beauty reminiscent fled from a beast

Seeking revenge for love’s bleak beating

He set out tormenting the next best thing

And although firmly grounded with his feet

His enemies together marshalled his defeat

And with the beast finally vanquished

Most friends and family vanished

To lands far and near

Finding comfort in cupid’s very ear

In today’s world, it is important to remember that where most fairy-tales end, new ones begin.

 ^“HAPPY FEBRUARY THE 14^TH”

P.S: Unfortunately, I didn’t bring this piece to you on or before valentine 2012 and probably wouldn’t have if not for a diamond-in-the-rough that pushed my hands and heart to do so (Thanks Isys). But you gotta admit…if I had, it woulda sounded cliché, conventional, and downright predictable; and we wouldn’t want that now…would we? Besides…there’s something inexplicably cute about flashbacks that brings a smile to faces. Regardless of its timing however, my words still ring true; so whatever you decide to do… February 14^th is just another year away.

So my ‘darlings’…

have flashbacks on reading this piece, let your hair down, pull out the stops, and enjoy the bloody day. It’s an emotionally convoluted 24-hour experience- reality’s orgasmic ice-cream with sticky chocolate fudge brownies …Enjoy it.

JEREMIAH’S JAR: Making Heaven A Place on Earth

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THIS VIDEO ON YOUTUBE

=!=!=!=!=!=!=!=!=!=   W.A.R.N.I.N.G   =!=!=!=!=!=!=!=!=!=

Before reading this, please bear in mind:

Lesson 1:

“Alone” people don’t like to talk about “Together” people.

DISCLAIMER: This blog therefore assumes no responsibility or liability for any anger, heartache, mental breakdown, or emotional wreckage incurred or instigated as a result of reflecting or cogitating any information or material contained within.

Furthermore, please note that although considerable care has been taken in the preparation of the information and material below, no provision has been made for warranty regarding the accuracy of any information contained herein in lieu with the predictability of your current personal situation; as the subject matter (LOVE) is a nine-tailed Fox that has proven time and time again to be an evasively stubborn and insanely cunning son-of-a-bitch.

Please note that you are advised to AVOID reading this piece UNTIL you have fallen prey to the nine-tailed Fox.

Disregard this disclaimer at the risk of getting seriously pissed off or worse: emotionally entangled!

#YourChoice!

ONE word... FOUR letters...FIVE lessons!

When you get sick, it starts with a single bacterium. One lone, nasty intruder. Pretty soon, the intruder duplicates, becomes two; then those two become four, and those four become eight. Then, before your body knows it, it’s under attack! It’s an invasion. The question then becomes “once the invaders have landed, once they’ve taken over your body, how the hell do you survive without them?”

What do you do when the infection hits you? When it takes over?

As humans, we are excited at the prospect of waking up to the unknown. As our day progresses, we prefer to know what curve balls life will throw our way. Usually, our brains map out contingency plans for worst case scenarios and we easily bounce back. Like our immune systems, our emotional molecular construct protects and repairs itself from unforeseen invasion. The weird part is what happens when our overall molecular constructs becomes prey to love’s giant bitch-slap! EVERYTHING SHUTS DOWN!

Lesson 2:

...Everyone’s Selfish!

You know, it’s surprising how when you’re single, everything about falling in love and having emotional attachments to another person feels like such a cliché load of bogus crap.  All day every day, you meet amazing people, make major life-changing decisions, hear about upcoming marriages, see couples on the street, crave to have and feel what these love-sick, PDA-craving people are suffering from, get sick and tired of being sick and tired because you’re alone, and sub-consciously wonder why Valentine’s Day won’t just stay in February where it freaking belongs!

 ...that is of course until you find yourself being unnerved and unravelled by the butterfly-inducing sensations in your chest when you find yourself becoming exactly like the mindless couples you see everywhere on the street.

At that moment, emotions that were once kept in check become alter egos and grow minds of their own. Your resilient poker face loses focus, your pulse defiantly races uncontrollably, and the reflex-sharp intakes of breath in your lungs every time he/she (ya’ll know who your ‘who’s are) touches you cuts off the blood supply to your brain and becomes instant codeine to your mind. Every feeling becomes twice as intense, twice as beautiful, twice as painful; and everyday becomes another day to hold hands, breathe in their very essence, kiss them without holding back, watch them eat, bear with them when they snore like a century-old train, or just enjoy looking at them as they sleep.

Yes...when the love bug bites, admitting your other half has become a huge part of your auto-erotic asphyxiation-fix is as easy as breathing!!!

The feeling is always the same: something always brings me back to you...it never takes too long. I wanna say “set me free...leave me be...I don’t wanna fall love-deep into your gravity”. I realize, only too late, that even if I bring myself to form the words and say it, I’d never mean it. I find myself sub-consciously admitting that you get my body clicking on all cylinders and it suddenly becomes crystal clear...with you, unleashed desire zips through. My imagination, ever active, goes wet and wild. Images of your lips tease me, appease me. Visions of you helplessly locking your arms around my waist, my arms around your neck, my warm and willing mouth nuzzling your throat, my hands tenderly stroking you, worshipping you; causes my body to clench and throb painfully with need. Incessant thoughts of the pleasures hiding lazily underneath your shirt invade...fogging up my brain with air-tight schemes of suckling on your nipples, licking ‘em like popsicles, and feeling ‘em harden like unbreakable pebbles.

Blooro-jisox!!!

At this point, even an idiot can see that medicine can’t cure the way that I feel. Best part? I know you’re also suffering!

I love it when you see me watching you watching me like a love-stricken puppy in public, the way you worry about what I’m thinking about, how you lose all concentration after we argue, how emotional you get when we make up, the way you take the time to figure me out and what I’d like, how tongue-tied and shy you get when you want to tell me something badly but you’re not sure how I’d react, how easy it is for me to empty your mind with a simple kiss...

Yes...knowing that you’re confused and excited at the same time by just how much you’re drawn to me like a vampire is enticed by the smell and sight of blood surprisingly gives me an edgy peace. After-all...I hate to lose! *Evil Smirk*

The tired truth about this bacterium is that it seems like we have absolutely no control over how our own hearts feel...which only makes the situation all the more dicey. In an instant, it changes us without warning. Romance creeps in and makes the heart pound just like a panic attack can (and panic attacks are phenomenally notorious for making hearts stop dead in chests). It’s no wonder doctors try so damn hard to keep the heart stable, to keep it slow...steady...regular.

So... back to my initial question!

What do you do when the infection hits you? When it takes over?

Do you learn to enjoy the time you have with “the bacterium” and hope it never dies? Or do you look for any and all means necessary to squash the bloody infestation?

Lesson 3:

The Ugly Truth shall set the Handsome you free!

Although I subscribe to the age-old player philosophy of...oh, how does it go again...: “before giving YOUR HEART to anyone, make sure you OWN THEIRS FIRST...after-all, business is business”, you need to remember that this rule NEVER applies in all scenarios. Not every relationship is the same.  The reality is when you fall for someone and realize it’s a mutual feeling, no matter how much pain love can cause, that person becomes worth the fall. Unfortunately, sometimes, some of us go into relationships with unrealistic expectations and, instead of allowing things to unfold naturally, we throw all the junk we can find in the way into the matter, including the kitchen sink!

Ø       SO WHAT'S THE TEA?     Ø

Lesson 4:

Go the Distance

For those in relationships or in the “dating someone special” section of Cupid’s bar, I’m sure you’ve realized it’s all about compromise, all about being selfless and doing what’s best for BOTH OF YOU, not just for the other person or yourself. What most people often forget is that, often, it’s hard to accept that it’s not always the hard work or attention to details in relationships that provide the answers sought after. Sometimes, you just have to sit back, relax, and wait for “a happy accident” to occur because it’s these “accidents” that work best in bringing both of you closer and usually always turns out to be the most interesting parts of your day...of life...and of love. Although having to think about someone other than YOU can prove to be a complication, some complications are well worth it.

So you go to sleep each night thinking about tomorrow, going over your plans, preparing the lists, and hoping that whatever “accidents” come your way will be happy ones.

Lesson 5:

1+1 equals TWO

For those who still find themselves still listening to “Singles Top Ten countdown”, remember EVERYONE has been there. I know that the mere knowledge of this doesn’t help the situation but I thought it’d be good to put it out there for your sub-conscious to pick up on. The issue however is that human beings are HORRIBLE AT MATHS! Hello... 1+1 ain’t ever gonna be TWO if the PLUS ONE (+1) isn’t interested in being TWO. It’s all in the math! If it ain’t mutual, IT WILL NEVER WORK!!! Quit counting dead-weight!

Secondly, know that you are not a freak, it’s not always going to be your fault, and, by God, you’re not broken! We’ve all wished at some point in our lives that “having-a-crush” and/or “falling-in-love” had traffic lights, so we’d know when to: go for it, slow down, or just stop altogether. There’s really no way to say it without sounding cliché but: it eventually gets better! The constant throbbing in your chest, the depression, the embarrassments, the rejections, and all the hopelessness don’t last forever. Don’t take my word for it...Take Jeremiah’s:

Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, Saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end”

... Look at where you are now. Do you think this is your ‘expected end’?

C’mon!

Oh and before you turn yourself into an Abortion-Loving, stem-cell-research opposing, deficit-loving, self-hating, affirmative-action despising, bible-thumping xenophobe, consider this:

When you see pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain, they’re smiling, ecstatic, triumphant...but have you ever wondered why no one takes pictures while climbing that mountain? They don’t take pictures along the way ‘cuz no one wants to remember the rest of it. Look, the way I see it, we push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level...nobody takes pictures of that. Nobody wants to remember.

Forget that sometimes, you might find yourself back at the bottom of the mountain climbing again. If you really want to be honest with yourself, you’ll admit that everyone just wants to remember the view from the top...that breath-taking moment at the edge of the world that gives you a glimpse of Heaven.

Remember...

As long as the feelings are mutual, that spark can truly make Heaven a place on earth for the both of you. The payoff is usually worth the risk. It’s the knowledge of this that keeps us (couples and optimistic singles alike) climbing; and it’s worth the pain...that’s the crazy part...it’s worth ANYTHING!!!

HOW TO BAKE A CAKE: The Married Man and The Abused Mistress!

******************  RATED 18  ******************

Opening defence for the defendant: “Mistakes were made”

President Ronald Regan said these words twenty-some years ago when admitting to making a mistake was seen as a sign of strength, not weakness. Well if that’s the case, brace yourselves...I’ve made the worst one yet...

I fell...I fell HARD!!!

Honesty...best policy...total travesty...

My unmitigated disaster turning out to be convoluted peace...

Beat at my own game. Damn! I can just hear it now:

...Clear the way!

...Complete mess coming through!

...damaged good, tread carefully!

I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t...but how can I help myself when all I see is me with you?...Me, Myself, and I---the abused mistress!

Opening defence for the Plaintiff: “Why Blame Me?”

 “Some might think me a cynical contrarian, an obsessive cynic hiding behind identity politics. What can I say...maybe they’re wrong, maybe they’re right. I can admit I am sensitive (who the fuck isn’t?) but what I am not is argumentative and unreasonable. Despite contrary opinion, I don’t enjoy being contrary for the sake of being a contrarian. You do you and I’ll do me! I am simply different and frankly...I like (scratch that) love me that way.” ...Me, Myself, and I---The Married Man!

THE SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

> Ø  The abused Mistress

My mind played the scene in my head a million times: we would meet in a desolate place, walk side by side, have a few laughs, and I’d tell you how I felt about you. It always played out perfect. You would be shocked...speechless. I’d ramble on and on about how I never planned to pick you or let things to turn out the way they did. Mid-sentence, you’d lose all reason and self-control and drag me into a mentally-damaging kiss. I’d lose mind, breath, and thought revelling in the sinful distraction of your moan-infested-kisses until my internal combustion engine hung in the balance.

#Sigh. I don’t feel heartbroken. Far from it. Frozen midway in the desert I once called my mind, I feel...light, drained, dizzy, and nauseous. I thought telling you how I felt would fix this...that if you knew how I truly felt, you would find a way to fix me. I knew you were taken...off the market...out of reach. I told myself I wouldn’t look at you, wouldn’t be within 6 feet of you unless someone else was there. I walked into everyday with an enriched determination to preserve my senses by staying away from you; but glimpses of you always had an uncanny way of dislodging reason from mind, leaving me irrational, subservient, and totally unable to recover from you. I tell myself I don’t want to be there but my body knows the truth and stays anyway.

Butterflies had nothing on the way your presence affected me. (Snide Laugh)... so much for determi-fucking-nation.

I should have realized it was all a hoax, a lie, a fairytale dickwards sell to mindless fucks through block-busters and motion pictures. I probably should have read between the lines and seen the fallacy sold countless times by those heart-wrenching, gutless movie-producing schizophrenics but I didn’t. But how can I blame them when I allowed myself to believe easy fairytales? How many times do I need to hear over and over again how nothing good ever comes easy? This is my fault. I let me fall for you...for your type.

Who woulda thought that my Falling for you and deciding to let you know how I felt in one fearless unabridged moment of alcohol-induced bravery would place me where I am now... a mentally-abused mistress...a mindless cunt...thoughtless, save the thought of you.

I’ve felt many a pain like this but I never seem to remember how devastatingly aggressive the void eats away at my flesh...cannibalizing me from within. With no one else left to blame, I can finally admit I turned you into my addiction... my sexy, sultry, hot-bodied, skin-so-smooth-it-looked-like-butter-milk addiction #tears-in-eyes

I can talk about this because I know I will get over it ...this blinding numbness of losing you when in truth I never really had you in the first place. But, like the many other times in my life where I’ve tried to breed my lust-borne attempt at love, I know I’ll just work with what’s working and do what I have always done: replace you with another...an addiction for an addiction. I know it sounds stupid and illogical but it’s the one thing we humans know how to do best...replace one addiction with another. Everyone’s guilty, so why should I feel any worse for being real?

But when’s all said and done, and the curtains close, and I lay awake staring intently into the darkness waiting for sleep to deaden the pain if only for a few hours, I realize what I try not to acknowledge at every waking moment...what I know doesn’t change the way I feel about you at the end of the day.

I didn’t want to lose myself this way...

> Ø  The Married man

I had my doubts...I always felt there was something extra that lay behind every look you gave but I disregarded it. I convinced myself that I was imagining things...it can’t be...it just can’t! I questioned my person and felt the fool for thinking of you in “that manner”. Then you call me out in the middle of the night and tell me this? I’m glad I know...happy to realize my friend can trust me with deep feelings. Weeks pass...I avoid the issue...you remain relentless...things go down...and now I’m to blame?  WTF!!! Why is it so easy for everyone to see me as the bad guy?

THE IGNORED LAWS OF LOGIC-INDUCED ATTRACTION

Opening Statement: Hello...Attraction isn't logical!!!

Attraction is nature's way of taking over our minds and bodies long enough to make sure that we mate with someone with the best possible genes.  I realize that this sounds pretty "clinical" and lame, but it's the damn truth.   Attraction isn't concerned with you, her, him, or love.

Attraction isn't logical, in the sense that it isn't created by things that "should" create it. Buying dinner and gifts, giving lots of compliments, and kissing up to gain approval are examples of "logical" things that should create attraction but don't.   When you understand how attraction works, you begin to see that it has a "logic" of its own.

The fatality of attraction however, is that everyone tries to be “nice”. No one is attracted to someone who acts like a needy wimp. Giving lots of compliments, seeking approval, acting clingy, or trying to go out of your way to be overly "nice" almost always usually backfires.  Alternately, just like a painting or a song, too much can ruin an interaction with your object of attraction. You must know when to leave, hang up, end the interaction, or stop liking them completely. Leaving at the right moment creates tension, anticipation and mystery. You either increase or decrease attraction - it's always either going up or down...

Now let’s shift gears...

KITCHEN-CLEANING DUTIES: THE JUDGE AND JURY

The reality of your shit...

Wake the fuck up!

You are in this mess solely because you decided to walk into this mess! Period!!!

You see, the problem with this generation is that, while we may have our hearts in the right place, we are easiest to sway because every decision is an impulsive emotional reaction. You are in this ninth circle of hell because you walked (albeit blindly but with eyes wide open) into it.

Granted, attraction isn’t a choice. It’s an emotional reaction...BUT...even though you can’t help who you like; it is a known fact that you can help who you date! Why complain about how life has been unfair because it happened to you? When did having someone on your arm become a yardstick for emotional satisfaction? When did self-control become an attribute beyond the reach of the average human? Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought that came with marriage; and even with marriage, the queues in courts for marriage-dissolutions are growing in herculean proportions! Why feel the need to play the fool and carry emotional baggage around? Why limit life to relationships founded on the principle of lust, sex, and bodily contact? Why let heart rule mind at every waking moment? Why forge a forte around reason just to feed eyes and mind with sexually packaged advances that you create in your mind? Why spill your lust-decaying brains out on the floor to someone who sees you as just a friend or worse, a brother/sister? Isn’t it already bad enough that it’s one-sided? Isn’t the cosmic bitch-slap of looking for true love already hard enough? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why go out of your way to fuck with your brain!

Why? (O_o)

Forget gender! You (male and female alike) used to be the before-version of the “married guy”...the player in the game, not the game being played by the game! Why place yourself in a delusional state of mind, toy with your emotions, read into every platonic action, and claim you were heart-broken by another?

Get it together and realize that you are not the ultimate Mac-Daddy of all time! Deal with the issues thrown at you anyway you want but don’t blame others for the hurt you inflict on you. Buff up and take the blame for your own misconducts, shortcomings, and lusts; and see where that takes you.

I’m not trying to be mean-spirited and condescending...I am, but that’s not the point! I know this because I’ve been there (as both the married man and the abused mistress)...done that...and I’m still dealing with it.

...and NO... your desires won’t fizzle out just because I graciously bitch-slapped you. This is a healing process that takes time but it’s worth it in the end. If it’s not yet worth it, it’s not yet the end. Fake it till you make it! For fucks sake, admit your mistakes already...they are yours, aren’t they?

I cannot stress enough just how much risk is a part of life! Mistakes were made, now face them head on and deal with them! If you want to bake a cake, you have to break a few eggs, man. You’ve broken some...now BAKE THE CAKE!

Like I said...FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!