HOW TO BAKE A CAKE: The Married Man and The Abused Mistress!

******************  RATED 18  ******************

Opening defence for the defendant: “Mistakes were made”

President Ronald Regan said these words twenty-some years ago when admitting to making a mistake was seen as a sign of strength, not weakness. Well if that’s the case, brace yourselves...I’ve made the worst one yet...

I fell...I fell HARD!!!

Honesty...best policy...total travesty...

My unmitigated disaster turning out to be convoluted peace...

Beat at my own game. Damn! I can just hear it now:

...Clear the way!

...Complete mess coming through!

...damaged good, tread carefully!

I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t...but how can I help myself when all I see is me with you?...Me, Myself, and I---the abused mistress!

Opening defence for the Plaintiff: “Why Blame Me?”

 “Some might think me a cynical contrarian, an obsessive cynic hiding behind identity politics. What can I say...maybe they’re wrong, maybe they’re right. I can admit I am sensitive (who the fuck isn’t?) but what I am not is argumentative and unreasonable. Despite contrary opinion, I don’t enjoy being contrary for the sake of being a contrarian. You do you and I’ll do me! I am simply different and frankly...I like (scratch that) love me that way.” ...Me, Myself, and I---The Married Man!

THE SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

> Ø  The abused Mistress

My mind played the scene in my head a million times: we would meet in a desolate place, walk side by side, have a few laughs, and I’d tell you how I felt about you. It always played out perfect. You would be shocked...speechless. I’d ramble on and on about how I never planned to pick you or let things to turn out the way they did. Mid-sentence, you’d lose all reason and self-control and drag me into a mentally-damaging kiss. I’d lose mind, breath, and thought revelling in the sinful distraction of your moan-infested-kisses until my internal combustion engine hung in the balance.

#Sigh. I don’t feel heartbroken. Far from it. Frozen midway in the desert I once called my mind, I feel...light, drained, dizzy, and nauseous. I thought telling you how I felt would fix this...that if you knew how I truly felt, you would find a way to fix me. I knew you were taken...off the market...out of reach. I told myself I wouldn’t look at you, wouldn’t be within 6 feet of you unless someone else was there. I walked into everyday with an enriched determination to preserve my senses by staying away from you; but glimpses of you always had an uncanny way of dislodging reason from mind, leaving me irrational, subservient, and totally unable to recover from you. I tell myself I don’t want to be there but my body knows the truth and stays anyway.

Butterflies had nothing on the way your presence affected me. (Snide Laugh)... so much for determi-fucking-nation.

I should have realized it was all a hoax, a lie, a fairytale dickwards sell to mindless fucks through block-busters and motion pictures. I probably should have read between the lines and seen the fallacy sold countless times by those heart-wrenching, gutless movie-producing schizophrenics but I didn’t. But how can I blame them when I allowed myself to believe easy fairytales? How many times do I need to hear over and over again how nothing good ever comes easy? This is my fault. I let me fall for you...for your type.

Who woulda thought that my Falling for you and deciding to let you know how I felt in one fearless unabridged moment of alcohol-induced bravery would place me where I am now... a mentally-abused mistress...a mindless cunt...thoughtless, save the thought of you.

I’ve felt many a pain like this but I never seem to remember how devastatingly aggressive the void eats away at my flesh...cannibalizing me from within. With no one else left to blame, I can finally admit I turned you into my addiction... my sexy, sultry, hot-bodied, skin-so-smooth-it-looked-like-butter-milk addiction #tears-in-eyes

I can talk about this because I know I will get over it ...this blinding numbness of losing you when in truth I never really had you in the first place. But, like the many other times in my life where I’ve tried to breed my lust-borne attempt at love, I know I’ll just work with what’s working and do what I have always done: replace you with another...an addiction for an addiction. I know it sounds stupid and illogical but it’s the one thing we humans know how to do best...replace one addiction with another. Everyone’s guilty, so why should I feel any worse for being real?

But when’s all said and done, and the curtains close, and I lay awake staring intently into the darkness waiting for sleep to deaden the pain if only for a few hours, I realize what I try not to acknowledge at every waking moment...what I know doesn’t change the way I feel about you at the end of the day.

I didn’t want to lose myself this way...

> Ø  The Married man

I had my doubts...I always felt there was something extra that lay behind every look you gave but I disregarded it. I convinced myself that I was imagining things...it can’t be...it just can’t! I questioned my person and felt the fool for thinking of you in “that manner”. Then you call me out in the middle of the night and tell me this? I’m glad I know...happy to realize my friend can trust me with deep feelings. Weeks pass...I avoid the issue...you remain relentless...things go down...and now I’m to blame?  WTF!!! Why is it so easy for everyone to see me as the bad guy?

THE IGNORED LAWS OF LOGIC-INDUCED ATTRACTION

Opening Statement: Hello...Attraction isn't logical!!!

Attraction is nature's way of taking over our minds and bodies long enough to make sure that we mate with someone with the best possible genes.  I realize that this sounds pretty "clinical" and lame, but it's the damn truth.   Attraction isn't concerned with you, her, him, or love.

Attraction isn't logical, in the sense that it isn't created by things that "should" create it. Buying dinner and gifts, giving lots of compliments, and kissing up to gain approval are examples of "logical" things that should create attraction but don't.   When you understand how attraction works, you begin to see that it has a "logic" of its own.

The fatality of attraction however, is that everyone tries to be “nice”. No one is attracted to someone who acts like a needy wimp. Giving lots of compliments, seeking approval, acting clingy, or trying to go out of your way to be overly "nice" almost always usually backfires.  Alternately, just like a painting or a song, too much can ruin an interaction with your object of attraction. You must know when to leave, hang up, end the interaction, or stop liking them completely. Leaving at the right moment creates tension, anticipation and mystery. You either increase or decrease attraction - it's always either going up or down...

Now let’s shift gears...

KITCHEN-CLEANING DUTIES: THE JUDGE AND JURY

The reality of your shit...

Wake the fuck up!

You are in this mess solely because you decided to walk into this mess! Period!!!

You see, the problem with this generation is that, while we may have our hearts in the right place, we are easiest to sway because every decision is an impulsive emotional reaction. You are in this ninth circle of hell because you walked (albeit blindly but with eyes wide open) into it.

Granted, attraction isn’t a choice. It’s an emotional reaction...BUT...even though you can’t help who you like; it is a known fact that you can help who you date! Why complain about how life has been unfair because it happened to you? When did having someone on your arm become a yardstick for emotional satisfaction? When did self-control become an attribute beyond the reach of the average human? Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought that came with marriage; and even with marriage, the queues in courts for marriage-dissolutions are growing in herculean proportions! Why feel the need to play the fool and carry emotional baggage around? Why limit life to relationships founded on the principle of lust, sex, and bodily contact? Why let heart rule mind at every waking moment? Why forge a forte around reason just to feed eyes and mind with sexually packaged advances that you create in your mind? Why spill your lust-decaying brains out on the floor to someone who sees you as just a friend or worse, a brother/sister? Isn’t it already bad enough that it’s one-sided? Isn’t the cosmic bitch-slap of looking for true love already hard enough? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why go out of your way to fuck with your brain!

Why? (O_o)

Forget gender! You (male and female alike) used to be the before-version of the “married guy”...the player in the game, not the game being played by the game! Why place yourself in a delusional state of mind, toy with your emotions, read into every platonic action, and claim you were heart-broken by another?

Get it together and realize that you are not the ultimate Mac-Daddy of all time! Deal with the issues thrown at you anyway you want but don’t blame others for the hurt you inflict on you. Buff up and take the blame for your own misconducts, shortcomings, and lusts; and see where that takes you.

I’m not trying to be mean-spirited and condescending...I am, but that’s not the point! I know this because I’ve been there (as both the married man and the abused mistress)...done that...and I’m still dealing with it.

...and NO... your desires won’t fizzle out just because I graciously bitch-slapped you. This is a healing process that takes time but it’s worth it in the end. If it’s not yet worth it, it’s not yet the end. Fake it till you make it! For fucks sake, admit your mistakes already...they are yours, aren’t they?

I cannot stress enough just how much risk is a part of life! Mistakes were made, now face them head on and deal with them! If you want to bake a cake, you have to break a few eggs, man. You’ve broken some...now BAKE THE CAKE!

Like I said...FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!