...And If I Haven’t Told You

If I haven't Told You...

Loving God... Unloving God...

Believing in God.... Not Believing in God...

Divorcing God.... Running back to Him....

To write this in 3^rd person would bring me joy and let the spotlight be off me but I realize that to be true and honest to myself, this is my story...my life...my testimony...

I have treated God so bad these past couple of years...toyed with Him...played Him for the fool. Amazingly, He cries. I know He does.  I know God is all encompassing and He rules all but I know God in a way many people don’t. I don’t read my bible often...I rarely pray unless there’s a problem...still He’s always there...always listens.  Even as I write these words, at the back of my mind, I see myself falling into sin and planning to go back to Him. So I write these words, to know that what I feel for Him now...this very minute....isn’t just a feeling. It’s my soul being drawn to His. I have hurt Him so bad yet He loves me. I understand God in a way many people don’t. I know this because as I cry, He cries. As I pray, He is with his pen and paper jotting down all my needs and adding them to His list of things He wants so badly to do for me. No one can understand the amount of times I have broken up with God, forgotten His word, walked out the door when He was begging me to stay, slammed the door hard on His face and, with my actions, told Him to go to Hell forgetting He’d been there once for me already...no one can understand the effect of His love for me because no one knows Him like I do. I have learnt to run back to Him in times of trouble and when I sin. Now, it’s time to learn to love Him back...to stop running back and forth...and just be there, when we fight and He keeps quiet, when I am tempted by the parasites that abide and attack from all sides of this earth, I still choose to stay. I choose to remain with the one person I was in love with before I even knew what love was...before I was even capable of loving, before I knew what hatred felt like, before I knew how good sin tasted. I understood and bathed in unconditional love. My adoration not only for who He is to me but for what He is to me might faze you as mere words; but then again...No one can understand the Love God has for me because no one can love me the way He does.

And as I sit here, tucked under my duvet, i can’t help but ask myself...if you could go through four years of undergrad training and a combatant MSc programme for a year and take all the lessons taught (ergo, learnt) just to graduate and get only a piece of paper saying you went through it to show your worth over the years, why can’t you sit down and learn to love the LOVER OF (NOT JUST YOUR SOUL BUT) THE WHOLE OF YOU and please Him.

No one knows God like I do...I have felt love and He reminds me in amazingly small ways just how much love He has for me. Best part, He’s rejoicing because He feels the love I Have for Him. He’s a jealous God but wouldn’t you be if you loved someone so much? Would I show love over and over and over to someone who rejects me? Probably not...but He does. His jealously isn’t part of His hate...it’s the best part of His love!!!

For someone that hates the darkness, He finds it comfortable to be engulfed in it when I am there. In my darkest of hours, He forgets His dislikes and stays with me through the dark times talking me though it patiently, not so that He can get out of the dark quickly, but so that I can see the beauty of the light again. He waits patiently and gives the best of gifts at the rightest of times... listens intently to my wants, writes them down...and gives me the best of His...patiently making me wait till the best of mine is at the top of the best of the best of the best of His list. What can go wrong when someone that rules over everyone alive is so in love with you that He would literally stop everything else to meet your need? He’s patient with me so I can learn to be patient with Him. It is a relationship after-all, not a religion.

I know God...but not nearly enough...not even close to the way He knows me!

Oh...and if by chance you get to read this and you’re thinking “hmmmm...this is not normal for Dharpoh to say, I stand tall and proud of Jesus in every way; so all I can say is “welcome to the new normal”.

I know God...but not nearly enough...not even close to the way He knows me!

So with my heart ready to pour out exactly how I feel, I leave you to your thoughts, get down on bended knees, and start with the words...

Dear Jesus,

If I Haven’t Told You...